In my role as visionary and self-appointed Great Prophet, I
am often asked what I deem to be the most important or useful invention known
to man (and even woman – such complex beasts – although it’s unlikely that hair-straightners,
tampons (never trust an animal that bleeds once a month but doesn’t die my good
friend Brett always says) or high-heeled shoes would feature; although I
believe that there is a purpose for said paraphernalia, if not only to reinforce
the illusion of being first class-citizens (“Give women the vote” I say!))
In my humble, yet oft outspoken (and indeed, occasionally
unwanted), opinion, I would have to say –
The Spork…
I have NO CLUE why this handy little fella is not a staple
dinning implement (no – not a meal of staples you fool!) – I dream of a world
where there is a spork in front of every plate, and “Spork-Eating for Dummies” books
and Spork Shops and PimpMySpork websites and… the list is endless…
My first time is a moment I look back on with a special love
and I get a warm glow just thinking about it – I’ll never forget it! I was
heading out to lunch a few years ago (I forget when exactly), and I happened upon
a quaint little Jacket Potato shop called…. ffs (that’s For Flips-Sakes if you reading
ma!) something with an S (will come back and edit this when I go past again
(every morning, but my memory is WELL dodgy – I must remember to blog about
that!). If you’ve ever read (or seen now, lucky kidiwinks) Charlie and the
Chocolate Factory, you might remember that there was this magical chocolate shop
that just appeared one day where young Charlie (he was well snotty in the
recent movie with Depp!) bought the legendary Gold Ticket-enhanced Wanka Bar,
anyway, this shop is NOTHING like that! This one is fairly average food-wise,
and run by most of the Eastern-European immigrants in London (they seem to change daily, but they
nice and friendly! Actually thought I saw Judi in there the other day!). My
enquiry as too whether I might win a trip down the Chocolate Factory with my JP
with Chicken and Mushroom was met with blank stares and faint expressions of
disgust (I may have imagined that, might have been hints of lust there) – no blerry
sense of humour these foreigners…
Anyway, as usual, I digress, and my lunch hour is almost
over… I got back to my desk on said day, and opened my little package (stoppid
James!) to reveal the mythical tool of usefulness – the Spork, and was smitten
ever since! The best thing about the spork is that by combining 2 implements
into one (although admittedly a knife and a fork might have been more useful –
how often do normal people eat with a spoon and a fork (besides the frigging
Italians and that damn spaghetti!)) is that you then have the use of your other
hand (for the last time James – this is a serious blog – get your mind out a
gutta!). I could have written this with one hand, whilst eating my JP, but I
can tell you now that I didn’t (had a cheeky double cheese BK cos I’m
hungover).
I could babble on all day about the usefulness and
ingeniuous-nature of the divinely-inspired cutlery, but I have to get back to
work… if you know who invented the Spork please let me know – I would love to
shake his hand (could a woman master such a device – I think not!) and buy him
a JP with mushroom and chicken.
I even came up with a little slogan for marketing purposes
(a genius the inventor may be, but without targeting the unwashed masses you
may as well flush your Spork down the toilet)
“Is it a fork? Is it a Spoon? No it’s supper man! Grab your
Spork….”
I will leave you with a joke that Tim told me recently:
2 drums and a symbol fell off a cliff…. “Da-dof… Dish”! (imagine percussion-induced aural activity
here)
Fig 1. PreSpork days (how did we survive?!)
Fig. 2. An idea takes shape!
