Nov 14

Written by: Rodney Joyce
14/11/2007

Last night was another fantastically normal night in Manly. It started off with Honnahs (* note, names have been encrypted to avoid detection – these are NOT the real names of the people involved – so you can try Googling if you want) mate Lara coming round for a night out. We were celebrating 2 things – 1) Anniko stood up on her first wave (this girls tenacity is awesome – so firm!) 2) Lara finished her exams!

After a long (yet small) surf, the girls (Stoph, Honnah, Lara and Anniko) all went down to play some pool whilst I decided to do some work (if only to fund my Manly habit). Honnah went to her pole dancing class, so we all watched “Lock Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels” (20th time I have seen it, and still as good). When Honnah got back we cracked open the PigOut (it arrived in one of my boxes from London) and I got a bottle of not so cheap Saffie plonk for shots, with Baileys for Stoph (Wine makes her drunk) and Apple Vodka for chasers. We started playing and I landed on a “Flying Pig” card, which is kinda like an action card. I read out that it said every member of the opposite sex (I was the only boy amongst 4 girls) had to remove 1 item of clothing. Before I could blink Stoph, Anniko and Honnah whipped off their bras, while Lara opted for the less subtle knicker-less approach (who am I to argue!). To say I was not aroused would be a blatant lie! It was Honnah’s keen detective work that determined that said card did not exist, and all underwear was promptly put back on, much to my annoyance. I was given half a schooner of wine to skull for my cheeky attempt (result!). Eggs definitely give you the edge!

We then headed out to our local (the Stain (or Stein as it is known by some)). I was a little drunk after skulling half a bottle of white wine amongst other nasties (the girls thought it would be clever to gang up on me after that move) so I noticed they had one of my favourite tipples – Magners Oirish Cider! I asked for one and the guy said $14, which I paid… it was only after the dude NEXT to me said “FOURTEEN BUCKS???!?!?!” that I registered how much that was. I don’t earn AUD, all my income is in USD, so I constantly times by 2 to get to £££ , then divide by 2.5 (complicated, I know ;) to work out if something is cheap or not. Turns out I paid £6.1 for a Magners – the previous record was the stupid pub in Canary Wharf (can’t think of it’s name – one of the posh chains, possible Slug and Lettuce) where I paid a Godiva for a pint of Magners…. Needless to say I asked everyone I met what they thought of that and savored my cider to the last sip… to put it in perspective, a pint of Guiness is $6!

I’ll probably get into trouble for putting this in, but it really amused me, so I will anyway – I think my ex-housemate Anniko (not her real name) is the hottest thing since sugar-milk (which I invented, I’ll have you know!). She’s a 21 year-old Swedish babe (those of you who know me will know that I prefer brunettes (they have a LOT more fun with me) BUT I am good like that – I like the odd blonde too). Anyway, everyone knows I have a schoolboy crush on young Anniko and we have become really good mates – we surf and play pool together every day, and that’s like family to me! In my normal blunt Saffie style, I decided that I needed to verbalise this to Anniko (I knew the feelings were not mutual, but I a) wanted her to hear from me, and b) wanted to move on ) so I told her that I thought she was the hottest thing since sugar-milk, and that her smile could melt candles 1000 kays away (honestly- there is nothing I won’t do for her when she smiles at me, and the cheeky girl knows it ;). So to cut a long story short, I told Anniko and we agreed that we would stay friends and nothing would change (honestly, this is what I wanted as I enjoy her company as it is – no need to over complicate things!). Actually – I have changed my mind – I am not finishing the story (the funny bit) as it won’t come across well in text and Anniko is gonna kick my butt when she reads this. Surf later chickadee?

So, on to the next bit! I left Anniko shaking her booty on the dancefloor (was 2.30 or something on a schoolnight) and I went outside. I had not had supper, so I was starving, and I crumbled to temptation and went to the dodgy Kebab shop! Now hear me out – I have never had a Manly Kebab and I will try anything (ok most things, Brett!) once. So it was time to break in the Kebab (this was to be my first and last!) – I got the elephant leg with cheese, garlic sauce and raw onions (I kid you not, I reckon the owner is a Divorce Lawyer) and headed down to the beach (Slummies folks – think Bucanneers on the beach, without the people trying to kill you). I went and watched the waves and teased a seagull while eating the most revolting kebab I have ever had (I was trying to see how brave the seagull was and how close he would come for a bite of my kebab, but he was a little wuss). At this point this dude in paint-stained trousers sits down next to me with a cup of coffee (bear in mind it is 3am at this point!). So anyway, he starts talking, and turns out he is in construction… cool… you know these people who volunteer their salaries and how much they earn (ps – I am a paper millionaire in Saffie Rands!!!) – well, he was one of these dudes – he tells me he is a millionaire (“aha?” I answered) and that I should avoid ALL Aussie girls, as they just want your money. Manly has advantages (surf, babes, lifestyle, paradise) but disadvantages (money grabbing bitches) was the theme of his banter. I wasn’t sure what the heck he was smoking, so I indulged him and umm’ed and ahh’ed at the right places (think fireworks on NYE). After a particular venomous outburst about “them thieving Aussie girls (note, I do not share this view – all girls are after cash)” he then asks me if I reckon Bill Gates is the richest man in the world. “um… yeah?” I answer, not sure what the correct answer was. “Naah – he’s not” says builder millionaire. “um – who is then?” I ask – fearing the answer, like one of James bad jokes. This wont translate in text well, you had to be there, but he said in that calm, Aussie way (as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and I was a bogan for not knowing) – “Mark”.

I kid you not –I really battled to keep a straight face as I munched on my kebab – he had the serious/dangerous look that mentally unhinged people have and if you say the wrong thing (or laugh at the wrong time) it kicks off – so I said “Mark?” (I always thought it was Bill Gates, or maybe the Sultana of Brunchetta, but who knows, it could be Mark from Manly who lives on Kangeroo Parade. TIM - This is Manly, after all… I eventually said my goodbyes and wandered home through the warzone that is the Corso, pondering this snippet of information like a cow regurgitating his disgusting, where I bumped into the lovely Anniko outside the flat door (thoughtfully carrying 6 buns for breakfast).

Just another day in paradise…

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