Jun 4

Written by: Rodney Joyce
04/06/2008

The reason I never reply to your emails is because my ISP (Gotalk.com) has cut our internet off for some reason. It's been down for 7 weeks now and there is no sign of it coming back on. We phone every day but it's impossible to get through to anyone who has the power to do anything - if you've seen the movie Brazil it's bureaucracy gone mad... I wrote them an email to vent my frustrations - please spread the word - DO NOT USE Gotalk.com as your Australian ISP! Here it is in it's entirety...


"Good Evening,

My name is Rodney Joyce (customer num 6951374, my housemate is Inder Marie Nord-Johansen) and I am writing on behalf of Hannah Wang, my housemate who is trying to get hold of Michelle from the Credit Department.

Our Gotalk broadband has been suspended for almost 7 weeks and every day when we phone we are told “it will be back on in 24 hours” – in the meantime I am spending $10 a day on Unwired vouchers.

My housemate and I take turns phoning. We have probably phoned about 50 times between us in the last 7 weeks. Each time the call lasts for around 25 minutes (14 min on hold on average). Every time we go through the same process and hit the Helpdesk Firewall, which is a very effective at preventing the customer from speaking to the core business. I’m gonna pick any day at random in the last 5 weeks to show you how it works:

Us (either me or Hannah) : Dial number…. Wait… wait… wait some more.. get coffee… 14 minutes on average pass… Ozzie our cat gets bored and walks off…
GoTalk Operator: “Hello, welcome to GoTalk, where customer service comes first!”
Us: “Hi, why is our internet still down? We’ve paid our bill 5 weeks ago”
GoTalk Operator: “Sorry, you need to send us a fax because we can’t see your payment”
Us: “No, the payment was confirmed on the 7th of May, 2 days after I sent it – receipt #17773422 – check your notes please”
GoTalk Operator: “Oh yes, sorry. Let me check what’s happening – can I put you on hold”

Time passes… Thorin waits… Ozzie the cat catches a fake mouse and plays with it.. I amuse myself by seeing if I can count to 2000 without someone answering.

But wait! This is where the game gets more fun – when the person talks again, there’ll be 1 of 3 answers:

1) GoTalk Operator: “Ok, only the credit department can reactivate your service – they will phone you back soon”
2) GoTalk Operator: “Sorry, I don’t have a good reason, it will be reactivated in 24 hours”
3) Phone goes dead (I kid you not)

Answers 2) and 3) start back at the top the next day, so lets run with Answer 1!

Us: “Thanks, but a different person has told us this for the last 33 days, every day. Can we have a direct line to your credit department, a manager with authority to turn our net back on or anyone who can actually do something?”
GoTalk Operator: “No, sorry, we are in the Philippines. The owner is probably in Ibiza on holiday, our investors don’t give a ship and the Credit Department is a monkey in the New York Zoo who only works on Wednesdays (he gets paid peanuts)” * Note – the operator didn’t really say this, but to pass the time and to stay sane I invent a new reason as the days drag on. I’ve even started to try and identify different operators based on their responses or accent and I give them fake names so that I don’t lose my temper and try to think of it as a fun game to pass the time.

Actual response:
GoTalk Operator: “No sorry, we don’t have their number or ANY way to get hold of them, they will phone you back, I promise”
Us: “I assure you, they won’t, I’ve been doing this for 7 weeks”
GoTalk Operator: “Ok, let me escalate this and send a mail to the Credit Dept marking this as urgent”
Us: “But that’s what the operator did for the last 21 days and they haven’t phoned back. Why would they suddenly check their emails today and speak to a customer?”
GoTalk Operator: “Sorry, there is nothing more I can do – thank you for your patience and I am truly sorry” (aaa… isn’t that nice! That warms the cockles of my little heart!)

Wwow that was easy. I will sit by the phone and try not to check my bank account while I lose money (I am self employed and work from home on the internet) and spend $10 a day on Unwired vouchers. I phone home in excitement and tell my mother I’ll be able to Skype her soon again. After the 4th week she disowns me.

Days roll by into weeks, weeks into a month… I grow a goatie but vow not to shave it off until I am back online. After month I look silly. I shave it off. Ozzie looks lean from hunger. Each day one of us phones up and repeats conversation above. Gotalk bill arrives for this month’s internet. Hearty laughs all round as the irony dawns on us. My super sleuth of a house mate manages to track down the number of Michelle, in your credit department. Too bad her voice mail is always on:

Today (almost 75 weeks after net first went down and 5 weeks after we paid and were told it would be back on in 24 hours):
Us: “Hi, why is our internet still down? We’ve paid our bill 5 weeks ago and are getting billed still?”
Michelle’s Answering Machine: “Sorry, we can’t help you. Leave a message and we’ll phone you back”

Great hey? 7 weeks with no internet and slowly sinking into madness like a modern-day King George.

If anyone actually reads these mails – please (in this order!)
1) Turn our internet back on
2) Have the CREDIT DEPT phone Hananh Wang back – we’ve got a bone to pick with you! Yo ucan’t hide behind your helpdesk forever.

Ps – I am CC’ing a few mates as I have to keep using their net when I can’t afford unwired vouchers and no one believes me that a company could actually pull off this kind of stunt and survive in this harsh world. They will hopefully spread it out like a viral email campaign and one day an investor in your company or someone who gives a damn will turn our net back on and refund us the money we have wasted. (My mama told me to dream big before she disowned me).

Sincerely
Rodney Joyce

ps- if you read this far (GoTalk helpdesk or ADSL user), I am happy to validate any details in this story. Please forward this to any mates who use the net in Australia and advise them not to use GoTalk. I highly doubt they will respond to this email.
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